Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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