I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
