Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
