I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
