is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
