Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
