...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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