and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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