So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
