and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize