Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
