It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
