Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
