We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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