Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
