is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
