I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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