I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
