Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
