God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
