So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
