You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
