You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
