You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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