I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
