chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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