So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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