If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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