Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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