did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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