I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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