What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
