apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I AM VODKA MAN
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
the raccoons are back...
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