instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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