it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
