There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
A+ Viking dick
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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