And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
