dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
