I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
