Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
