I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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