I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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