i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
