mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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