Just fell off a train. Bad.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
