My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
