Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Randomize
