a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nobody cheats on THIS.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
