foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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