If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
