She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He keeps bees of course he's weird
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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