and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
