Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
