Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
