i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
