i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
