im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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